Friday, October 29, 2004

OFF CENTRE

They said they'd treat my middle ear.
But it was my left one that wasn't right.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.
SW4

I started
Sneezing
In SW4.

I'd caught
A Clapham
Common cold.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.
IMPLIED CRITICISM

It is
Impertinent and
Improper to
Imply I have
Impetigo

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

SOMETHING ADDED, SOMETHING TAKEN AWAY

The medical report
On her operation
Had an appendix.

But she no longer did.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

VETERINARY MEDICINE (AGAIN)

Can bees get hives?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

FIT FOR NOTHING

Are you fit?
Do you have fits?
Or do you fit into neither category?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.
BRUISING ENCOUNTER

They missed his contusion
In all the confusion

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.
LOST FOR WORDS

A bout
Of laryngitis
Is nothing to shout
About

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.


I BEG YOUR PARDON

When you moaned
I didn't realise
You had
Pneumonia

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

VETERINARY MEDICINE

A sick duck needs a quack, quick

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

MOVING OUT

The inpatient
Was impatient
To become
An outpatient

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.



Sunday, May 02, 2004

EYE MISTAKE

The lazy eye surgeon
Was known for
Cutting corneas

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

Friday, March 26, 2004

CAUGHT OUT

She cursed a
Nurse
And mocked a
Doctor
But changed her demeanour
When the
Cleaner
Seen her

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

Sunday, February 29, 2004

STRICTLY SPEAKING

Is the district nurse the strictest nurse?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

THE KNEE REPLACEMENT BUZZ

My new knees
Are the bees' knees.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

PUT ON THE SPOT

Why
Isn't
London's
Dermatology
Centre
Based
In
'ackney?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

WHAT'S MY BLOOD PRESSURE?

One twenty
Over
Eighty

Twenty four
Seven
Three sixty five

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

Friday, January 23, 2004

HIATUS

They want to operate,
But I don't think it's necessary.

We've reached a hiatus
Over my hernia.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

PLAQUE

I thought I had plague.
But it was just the dentist’s handwriting.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

Monday, January 19, 2004

NEW HOSPITAL NEEDED

Sars
Gulf War Syndrome
Mad Cow Disease
Repetitive Strain Injury
Deep vein thrombosis

New hospital needed
For topical diseases

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.


Sunday, January 18, 2004

FRIENDS LIKE THAT

I have become attached
To a particular laxative.
And with friends like that, who needs enemas?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.
LOCAL ANAESTHETIC

They asked me if
I wanted
A local anaesthetic

I replied that
Anywhere within
A half-hour drive
Was fine

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.
HUE AND CRY

It might be yellow fever.
It might be scarlet fever.
It might be black death.
It might be red measles.
It might be my white blood cells.
Or it might be I'm just off colour.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.