tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-63498002011-11-27T15:27:20.435-08:00Laughter is the best medicine. © Phil Woodford 2004 - 2009. All rights reserved. www.washedandreadytoeat.comPWnoreply@blogger.comBlogger491100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-61817345214321195532009-05-02T16:00:00.000-07:002009-05-02T16:01:47.037-07:00

SWINE FLU SYMPTOMSA sty in the eyeA rasher on the thighAnd a lot of scratchings© Phil Woodford, 2009. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-68435772146064519232009-05-02T15:54:00.001-07:002009-05-02T16:00:03.218-07:00

SWINE ARE THE NEW BIRDSA swine in the hand is now worth two in the bushAnd swine of a feather flock togetherBut a little swine told meFlu is still for the birds© Phil Woodford, 2009. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-3842977983848625742007-05-24T15:21:00.000-07:002007-05-24T15:25:40.577-07:00

TIME FOR A BREWIs a cup of teaIn an infirmaryWhat you might seeAs hospitality?© Phil Woodford, 2007. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-19744089396259760862007-04-02T08:40:00.000-07:002007-04-02T08:44:56.264-07:00

ATTITUDE PROBLEMWhy aren't the people at the hospitalAble to be more hospitable?© Phil Woodford, 2007. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-10647900966274879972007-03-24T16:49:00.000-07:002007-03-24T16:52:01.319-07:00

DOCTORS' LETTERSAnna had anaemiaBelinda had blood poisoningCarmen complained of Carpal-Tunnel SyndromeDermot had dermatitisEmma had emphysemaFred feared frostbiteGazza had gastroenteritisHymie had hypertensionIdi identified idiopathic hypertrophic subaortic stenosisJoy had joint dislocationKerry had keratitisLarry lost his voice through laryngitisMo had motion sicknessNoah had a nosebleedOscar

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1156112014948712272006-08-20T15:11:00.000-07:002006-08-20T15:13:34.960-07:00

STARTING OFF ON THE WRONG FOOTThe chiropodist Seemed to Have aCallus disregardFor his patients© Phil Woodford, 2006. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1154898751408833322006-08-06T14:06:00.000-07:002006-08-06T14:12:31.426-07:00

NO ACADEMIC PRECAUTIONThe ill Prof lackedA prophylactic© Phil Woodford, 2006. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1153607992834922172006-07-22T15:38:00.000-07:002007-04-02T08:45:34.528-07:00

SHORTSIGHTEDShe would have seen the biopicIf she wasn't so myopic© Phil Woodford, 2006. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1153607759366497032006-07-22T15:30:00.000-07:002006-07-22T15:35:59.410-07:00

POST-OP CHANGE OF TUNEAdam had not said to meHe'd been annoyedAt his Adenoidectomy© Phil Woodford, 2006. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1151790927313210072006-07-01T14:52:00.000-07:002006-07-01T14:56:16.716-07:00

STAY ANOTHER DAYI would Discharge himIf it weren't forHis discharge© Phil Woodford, 2006. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1144624058325884592006-04-09T16:06:00.000-07:002007-04-02T08:45:54.563-07:00

PATHSAre you a sociopath?A psychopath?Or just an osteopath?© Phil Woodford, 2006. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1144623977085857762006-04-09T16:05:00.000-07:002007-04-02T08:46:19.402-07:00

BIRD FLU CONCERNSIf it strikes, we’re up the swanny.If it hits, we’re in a flap.If it spreads, it won’t be funny.It could wipe us off the map.© Phil Woodford, 2006. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1144623856309001922006-04-09T16:03:00.000-07:002007-04-02T08:47:09.556-07:00

BIRD FLU ABROADNews of the outbreakCame through in pidgin English© Phil Woodford, 2006. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1131913090484363952005-11-13T12:16:00.000-08:002005-11-13T12:18:10.496-08:00

PRIVATE MEDICINEWhen his credit card expired,So did he.© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1131841031298512452005-11-12T16:12:00.000-08:002005-11-12T16:17:11.296-08:00

WORKING HARDThe transplant surgeonWas well known as a grafter. © Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1131840513405423362005-11-12T16:08:00.000-08:002005-11-12T16:08:33.413-08:00

IN A FLAPIs it trueThat blokes can getBird flu too?© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1130018285236415662005-10-22T14:52:00.000-07:002005-10-22T14:58:05.240-07:00

GOOD IDEAYour idea ofEmulating thePartial blockageOf air passagesBy producingHigh-pitched soundsAnd whistling noisesWas a great wheeze.© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1130015648063925942005-10-22T14:13:00.000-07:002005-10-22T14:16:03.766-07:00

AVIAN SHOCKOh my word, Sue.I just heard youHave the bird flu.© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1127167497357736582005-09-19T15:04:00.000-07:002005-09-19T15:04:57.356-07:00

BUM DEAL (2)The proctologistWas toldTo rectifyHis mistake© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1127167429118052242005-09-19T15:02:00.000-07:002005-09-19T15:03:49.123-07:00

BUM DEAL (1)The proctologistWas toldWhere heCould stickHis suggestion.© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1125950345301986742005-09-05T12:57:00.000-07:002005-09-05T12:59:05.300-07:00

START ON THE RIGHT FOOTWhich is better?A chiropodist who knows his onions?Or a greengrocer who knows his bunions?© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1125950153345509662005-09-05T12:51:00.000-07:002005-09-05T12:55:53.346-07:00

NAILEDDo outgoing peopleGet ingrowing toenails?© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1125949795986107712005-09-05T12:46:00.000-07:002005-09-05T12:49:55.990-07:00

TENUOUSTed, 10, told of hisTerrible tendencyTowards tendonitis© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1125305680936215472005-08-29T01:37:00.000-07:002005-08-29T01:54:42.236-07:00

GUT INSTINCTIf I write one hundred thousand wordsOn problems associated with the gutHave I have created aGastrointestinal tract?© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1125304608160888472005-08-29T01:35:00.000-07:002005-08-29T01:36:48.160-07:00

SUCCESSFUL VERSEFor a successful medical poemYou just needA germ of an idea© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1125304407887406092005-08-29T01:29:00.000-07:002005-08-29T01:34:01.930-07:00

NOT CONVINCEDCall me aScepticBut I don't think yourPeptic ulcer has goneSeptic© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1099078578537505992004-10-29T13:34:00.000-07:002004-10-29T12:36:18.536-07:00

OFF CENTRE They said they'd treat my middle ear. But it was my left one that wasn't right. © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1099078416231895112004-10-29T13:29:00.000-07:002004-10-29T12:33:36.233-07:00

SW4 I started Sneezing In SW4. I'd caught A Clapham Common cold. © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1099078083156064662004-10-29T13:27:00.000-07:002004-10-29T12:29:21.796-07:00

IMPLIED CRITICISM It is Impertinent and Improper to Imply I have Impetigo © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1096234864470232362004-09-26T14:39:00.000-07:002004-09-26T14:41:04.470-07:00

SOMETHING ADDED, SOMETHING TAKEN AWAY The medical report On her operation Had an appendix. But she no longer did. © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1095012606243406532004-09-12T11:09:00.000-07:002004-09-12T11:14:08.343-07:00

VETERINARY MEDICINE (AGAIN) Can bees get hives? © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1095012508753790092004-09-12T10:59:00.001-07:002004-09-12T11:15:08.256-07:00

FIT FOR NOTHING Are you fit? Do you have fits? Or do you fit into neither category? © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1095011617106848712004-09-12T10:52:00.000-07:002004-09-12T11:16:36.636-07:00

BRUISING ENCOUNTER They missed his contusion In all the confusion © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1095011433316877072004-09-12T10:49:00.000-07:002004-09-12T11:17:18.563-07:00

LOST FOR WORDS A bout Of laryngitis Is nothing to shout About © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1095011336030090912004-09-12T10:46:00.000-07:002004-09-12T11:17:59.170-07:00

I BEG YOUR PARDON When you moaned I didn't realise You had Pneumonia © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1093452644425836002004-08-25T09:49:00.000-07:002004-08-25T09:50:44.426-07:00

VETERINARY MEDICINE A sick duck needs a quack, quick © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1093452476353869572004-08-25T09:43:00.000-07:002004-08-25T09:47:56.353-07:00

MOVING OUT The inpatient Was impatient To become An outpatient © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1083534170609718282004-05-02T14:40:00.000-07:002004-05-02T14:47:12.000-07:00

EYE MISTAKE The lazy eye surgeon Was known for Cutting corneas © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1080343181987878442004-03-26T15:18:00.000-08:002004-03-26T15:23:12.750-08:00

CAUGHT OUT She cursed a Nurse And mocked a Doctor But changed her demeanour When the Cleaner Seen her © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1078044865196890192004-02-29T00:53:00.000-08:002004-03-02T15:07:11.153-08:00

STRICTLY SPEAKING Is the district nurse the strictest nurse? © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1077486656250641132004-02-22T13:48:00.000-08:002004-03-02T15:09:16.716-08:00

THE KNEE REPLACEMENT BUZZ My new knees Are the bees' knees. © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1075654210852956642004-02-01T08:47:00.000-08:002004-02-01T08:52:27.403-08:00

PUT ON THE SPOT Why Isn't London's Dermatology Centre Based In 'ackney? © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1075336428510687992004-01-28T16:31:00.000-08:002004-02-01T08:53:34.590-08:00

WHAT'S MY BLOOD PRESSURE? One twenty Over Eighty Twenty four Seven Three sixty five © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1074897586293040672004-01-23T14:38:00.000-08:002004-01-23T14:41:50.186-08:00

HIATUS They want to operate, But I don't think it's necessary. We've reached a hiatus Over my hernia. © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1074812654226458162004-01-22T15:03:00.000-08:002004-01-22T15:06:17.250-08:00

PLAQUE I thought I had plague. But it was just the dentist’s handwriting. © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1074544506317328312004-01-19T12:32:00.000-08:002004-01-19T12:37:04.793-08:00

NEW HOSPITAL NEEDED Sars Gulf War Syndrome Mad Cow Disease Repetitive Strain Injury Deep vein thrombosis New hospital needed For topical diseases © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1074469284471370182004-01-18T15:39:00.000-08:002004-01-18T15:43:21.546-08:00

FRIENDS LIKE THAT I have become attached To a particular laxative. And with friends like that, who needs enemas? © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1074469112521493962004-01-18T15:36:00.000-08:002004-01-18T15:40:29.623-08:00

LOCAL ANAESTHETIC They asked me if I wanted A local anaesthetic I replied that Anywhere within A half-hour drive Was fine © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6349800.post-1074468794945470012004-01-18T15:30:00.000-08:002004-01-18T15:35:12.123-08:00

HUE AND CRY It might be yellow fever. It might be scarlet fever. It might be black death. It might be red measles. It might be my white blood cells. Or it might be I'm just off colour. © Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PWnoreply@blogger.com