GUT INSTINCT

If I write one hundred thousand words
On problems associated with the gut
Have I have created a
Gastrointestinal tract?

© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

SUCCESSFUL VERSE

For a successful medical poem
You just need
A germ of an idea

© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

NOT CONVINCED

Call me a
Sceptic
But I don't think your
Peptic ulcer has gone
Septic

© Phil Woodford, 2005. All rights reserved.

OFF CENTRE

They said they'd treat my middle ear.
But it was my left one that wasn't right.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

SW4

I started
Sneezing
In SW4.

I'd caught
A Clapham
Common cold.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

IMPLIED CRITICISM

It is
Impertinent and
Improper to
Imply I have
Impetigo

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

SOMETHING ADDED, SOMETHING TAKEN AWAY

The medical report
On her operation
Had an appendix.

But she no longer did.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

VETERINARY MEDICINE (AGAIN)

Can bees get hives?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

FIT FOR NOTHING

Are you fit?
Do you have fits?
Or do you fit into neither category?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

BRUISING ENCOUNTER

They missed his contusion
In all the confusion

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

LOST FOR WORDS

A bout
Of laryngitis
Is nothing to shout
About

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

I BEG YOUR PARDON

When you moaned
I didn't realise
You had
Pneumonia

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

VETERINARY MEDICINE

A sick duck needs a quack, quick

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

MOVING OUT

The inpatient
Was impatient
To become
An outpatient

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

EYE MISTAKE

The lazy eye surgeon
Was known for
Cutting corneas

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

CAUGHT OUT

She cursed a
Nurse
And mocked a
Doctor
But changed her demeanour
When the
Cleaner
Seen her

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

STRICTLY SPEAKING

Is the district nurse the strictest nurse?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

THE KNEE REPLACEMENT BUZZ

My new knees
Are the bees' knees.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PUT ON THE SPOT

Why
Isn't
London's
Dermatology
Centre
Based
In
'ackney?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

WHAT'S MY BLOOD PRESSURE?

One twenty
Over
Eighty

Twenty four
Seven
Three sixty five

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.