EYE MISTAKE

The lazy eye surgeon
Was known for
Cutting corneas

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

CAUGHT OUT

She cursed a
Nurse
And mocked a
Doctor
But changed her demeanour
When the
Cleaner
Seen her

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

STRICTLY SPEAKING

Is the district nurse the strictest nurse?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

THE KNEE REPLACEMENT BUZZ

My new knees
Are the bees' knees.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PUT ON THE SPOT

Why
Isn't
London's
Dermatology
Centre
Based
In
'ackney?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

WHAT'S MY BLOOD PRESSURE?

One twenty
Over
Eighty

Twenty four
Seven
Three sixty five

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

HIATUS

They want to operate,
But I don't think it's necessary.

We've reached a hiatus
Over my hernia.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

PLAQUE

I thought I had plague.
But it was just the dentist’s handwriting.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

NEW HOSPITAL NEEDED

Sars
Gulf War Syndrome
Mad Cow Disease
Repetitive Strain Injury
Deep vein thrombosis

New hospital needed
For topical diseases

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

FRIENDS LIKE THAT

I have become attached
To a particular laxative.
And with friends like that, who needs enemas?

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

LOCAL ANAESTHETIC

They asked me if
I wanted
A local anaesthetic

I replied that
Anywhere within
A half-hour drive
Was fine

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.

HUE AND CRY

It might be yellow fever.
It might be scarlet fever.
It might be black death.
It might be red measles.
It might be my white blood cells.
Or it might be I'm just off colour.

© Phil Woodford, 2004. All rights reserved.